Saturday, November 16, 2013

What Day Is It? It's Hunt Day!

Spouses of deer hunters, this is for you:

The Top 5 Reasons I HATE Deer Season:

1.) My dog barks uncontrollably every time he hears a shot. And obviously the people that hunt around my house have really crappy aim and must shoot 2,305 times before they "down" their target. Stevie Wonder probably hunts back there....

2.) When I walk through Walmart and see the people with camouflage jackets (you know, the ones with the hunting licenses on the back), I am instantly reminded that these people have carried or intend to carry firearms. *shutter* (sidenote: I prefer the customers with the words written across the badonkadonk of their sweatpants more because I usually don't have to squint to read the writing. Walmart is known for big toooooshes with big letters across them.)

3.) Husbands/Boyfriends/ and Fathers (hopefully these titles are not all used for the same guy) start to act as if it is their primal responsibility to rid the world of nuisance deer.  Here's the deal, hunter-person, thanks for saving my car, but please don't make me listen to your haughty story about why it's so important that you hunt every damn free moment that you have. Does the acronym STFU mean anything to you?

4.) Husbands/Boyfriends/ and Fathers FORGET that they are husbands/boyfriends/ and fathers, and stop doing whatever makes them husbandly/boyfriendly/and fatherly. Henceforth, Wives/Girlfriends/and Mothers get angry, which then gives Husbands/Boyfriends/ and Fathers the opportunity to comment on "bitchiness" of Wives/Girlfriends/and Mothers. See, this is where it gets a little ugly, because Wives/Girlfriends/and Mothers are thinking "Ugh. in ONE DAY, Husband/Boyfriend/Father just spent more time doing something that he loved than I have in ONE DECADE." Therefore, Husband/Boyfriend/Father, refer back to the last sentence in reason #3 and use that acronym again.

5.) Meat in my freezer becomes unidentifiable and Husbands/Boyfriends/ and Fathers encourage each meal to include some type of meat that they acquired. Here's the deal Husband/Boyfriend/Father, if you want to get the meat so bad, go to the effing meat market or grocery store. WE'LL LET YOU and it won't take as long as you pretending to be the best shot in the county.

and now some thoughts beyond this list:

* I am not "just jealous" of you sitting in a tree, freezing parts of your body off that I don't have. Please wipe that out of your head. I think it is nice that you are bonding with nature, but I also think that you are a moron if you choose to spend a day cold, covered in deer urine, away from your responsibilities, and then you come home and complain about it. Again, the acronym in #3, please.

* I eat venison. It's a lean meat that is cheap/free and I enjoy the fact that our freezer fills for the winter. However, I could care less if that venison comes from a "MONSTER 12 point buck", or from a large doe, so you waiting around for the "buck of your life" is lame. I mean, good for you if you shoot a large buck but you are bat-shit crazy if you think you are hanging that in my living room, so what's the point (ha. see what I did there?!)?  Also, for those ladies that let husbands/boyfriends/fathers decorate your main living areas with taxidermy, I hope the hunter in your life appreciates you as much as you deserve to be appreciated!)

* Lastly, Husband/Boyfriend/and Fathers, I need to just say one more thing: I bet that lady hunters still do their wife/girlfriend/and motherly duties. And if they didn't, I bet you'd bitch about it. If wives/girlfriends/and mothers just randomly chose to spend days and weeks doing something that they loved and without making husband/boyfriends/fathers (and children) a top priority, I'm betting that they'd have some serious 'splainin' to do. So there.

AHHHHHH! I need earplugs.  Either for me, or for the dog. Damn you, hunter that wouldn't even qualify to work in the cafeteria at sniper school! Buck you.

1 comment:

  1. Janie I loved everything about this!!! -Cassie Dash

    ReplyDelete

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