The Non-Negotiable Bedtime Rant

Hey kids. My name is Mom. We've met before, mostly when you need your butt wiped, you'd like something to drink or eat, or when you would like me to carry you in the house so you don't have to walk in the snow. (*yes. hop up here. allow me to carry my bag, my coffee cup, your backpack, and 40-60lb YOU into the house without slipping and killing us both (or knocking myself out and peeing my pants in the process. Gosh, that'd be embarrassing.) *)

Anyway, when I tell you to go to bed and I've read you a story, changed you into your pajamas, watched you brush your teeth and given you your last glass of water, I EXPECT YOU TO GO TO BED. I love you SO much that I feel pretty strongly that sleep has a direct connection with your brain getting bigger and me NOT tying you up with string to the dining room chair . 

So, please go into your room and shut your beautiful eyes. They're heavenly to watch flutter while you are sleeping, which is impossible for me to do while you're yapping about how you don't like the underwear you are wearing and asking me to dress up your doll in the same clothes you took off of her twopointfiveEFFINGseconds ago. Did I mention how much I love you? Oh yeah. 72 times when I hugged you and said "I love you this much," stretching my arms to an approximate length of 5 foot 6 inches (if my bio teacher was correct about the proportion of arm span to height). 

Because you take so Mo-fo-ing long to get in your bed and fall asleep, I find myself bumping up bedtime in 15 minute intervals. Tomorrow, we will surely start getting ready for bed immediately following snack time when you get off the bus. "What about dinner?" you ask? Funny, you don't really seem interested in eating the dinner I make for you, and mostly complain about it, run in the other room to check what is on TV without being excused from the table, strategically plan your bowel movements for that time, or "accidentally" spill your drink on your plate to avoid eating what your father and I are having. So, I guess I didn't think you'd notice if you ate a handful of goldfish and got settled in for the night.

Bedtime is NON-negotiable in this house. You must go to bed when I want you to. Stop negotiating "5 minutes longer" and "can I just <insert RANDOM activity that does not involve sleeping and probably makes me think that you are in need of hyperactivity medication>", The answer is, "no you cannot.  I love you. Goodnight." 

Again. "No, you cannot. I love you. Goodnight." 

Again. "Stop hoo-booing. Tomorrow is a new day. I love you. Goodnight." Someday they won't do this anymore and I'll miss it. But for the time being, where is my corkscrew? It's going to be a lonnnnnng night.