Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Black Friday Just Ate Thanksgiving

Black Friday has now turned into "Eat Turkey And Pie And Leave So I Can Shop" Thursday, ETAPALSICS Thursday for short.

Oh yes.  And more commonly known, PRE-2010, as #THANKSGIVING.

What the hell, big box stores!? You are opening at 6pm? That's so @&*%ing ridiculous that I cannot even gather my thoughts to compose this post. Someone is reading this saying 1.) "no one forces anyone to go shopping."  Someone else is reading this saying 2.)"who cares what time they open? It's allowing me more time to plan my evening."

Here is my rebuttal:
1.) I like Thanksgiving.  It's one of my favorite holidays.  I don't want to cut it short to go stand in line for the crap that I think someone in my family needs.  I want to have the holiday, AND THEN go stand in line and drop sharp elbows to people getting pushy around the crap I think I need after JUST being thankful for all the stuff that I have (that I don't use...that I just store and organize). That's what I want to do.  Furthermore, I live in New effing York.  It's expensive to live here.  For the love of Pilgrims, have you seen our gas prices? They're lower than they've been in a half of a decade and they're still like 40 cents higher per gallon than anywhere else. We get taxed for everything.  I sneeze and get a tax bill in the mail saying I owe something for it.  I can't afford NOT to shop on Black Friday.

Which brings up someone else's thought: You need to realign your priorities so that your family members don't want for so much and they see the value in simplicity.

Frickin' good point.  I'll get right on that.  I'm sure my entire family will love a scarf which I will painstakingly make from dryer lint and bathroom drain hair. I'll surely wrap that b**ch up in recycled paper bags that I dug out of the recycling bin at the grocery store. Don't worry, it will have a burlap bow too, making it extra fancy.  I'm sure I'll find a pattern on the homemade christmas board on Pinterest....

Oh, and to the person who was thinking "who cares what time they open? It allows me to spread my evening out..." Let me ask you a question. What's special about standing in line at a store at 6pm on a Thursday night? My friend Shari and I had this conversation and we determined there is NOT A DAMN THING special about that.  You can shop on Thursday nights at 6pm.  You can shop at most stores at 9pm.  But you are not supposed to be shopping at 2am in a store unless it's the most magical grocery store on Earth, #Wegmans, and you are drunk.  So, by starting at 6pm, you will get the crap you think you need but you don't and you will go home at a reasonable hour, and will not be craving lunch at 8am like in previous years. #lame.  

Economic materialism has impacted these stores to open earlier and earlier and release their ads months ahead of Black Friday, I mean ETAPALSICS Thursday (Let's brand that.  It has a really nice roll off the tongue. E-Tap-Al-Sics).  There will be NO MORE enjoying a day with family and friends, being thankful, watching football, leaving the table and getting the most comfortable seat to pass out in before Uncle Johnny starts snoreweezing in that spot so loudly you can't hear the TV (Fun Fact: I do not have an Uncle Johnny).  You will not be tearing through the ads in the paper, because you will have developed a ETAPALSICS Thursday plan which is color coded and organized for efficiency.

So, to recap, Thanksgiving is now to be cut ridiculously short, and shopping on Black Friday doesn't even matter because all the good deals will already be over, and all the stores will look like Fallujah, post-invasion. I mean, what are people supposed to do on Friday?

Perhaps I'm just bitter over this, but in my opinion, the deals kind of suck this year, anyway. I'll be busy though, because I have some dryer lint and hair to knit into a scarf. I wonder what I washed that was red?

Thursday, October 30, 2014

A Letter To Kaci Hickox: The Nurse That Doesn't Want to be Quarantined

Hi there, Kaci (also known as nurse-that-recently-returned-from-Ebola-stricken-region-and-developed-a-slight-fever,-was-quarantined,-and-then-complained-about-it) let me explain what 97% of Americans would like to express to you:

You're pretty awesome for wanting to help people that have nothing to give you besides their gratitude (and their disease that eats you from the inside-out).  Feel free to keep up the good work.

If you happen to go be selfless and do those selfless things aforementioned to help people in other countries, and you happen to come back to the United States where there is not currently a health crisis with this disease, DON'T GET PISSY WHEN YOU ARE TREATED LIKE YOU HAVE THE PLAGUE, because guess what, YOU HAVE a slight chance OF HAVING THE MODERN DAY PLAGUE.

We should quarantine you. Because if we develop an epidemic and do not handle this disease with the respect and caution it deserves, then we will have a crisis.  And do you think the continent of Africa will be organizing humanitarian efforts to help us? NO. They will not. Come to think of it, I doubt any country will send aid to us. But if they do, they'll have a plan and it will hopefully be a good one that protects their people, because a good government protects it's citizens and puts their safety first. They might send us some hand sanitizer and in the meantime they'll likely close their borders to anyone trying to enter their country from ours. Now THAT would be unfortunate. I mean, we Firstworlders have places to go and people to save!

Come to think of it, NurseWhoThinksHerHumanRightsWereViolated, I'm super sorry that you feel that quarantine was inconvenient, but Ebola doesn't exactly work into our 2 month plans, so do us a favor, get a Netflix subscription, watch the movie Outbreak (yes, even screenwriters in 1995 knew this was coming), and SHUT THE HELL UP.

Oh, we are being too callous and cautious? I am not saying that people shouldn't be inclined to help, because humanitarian efforts are really quite wonderful but do not come back to the country and complain about the safety measures that we (albeit, haphazardly) put into place to protect citizens.  Even if they aren't perfect measures, they're attempts at protection, and if they change 3,248 more times in the next 11 days, Ms. ImmaSaveTheWorld, DON'T COMPLAIN and subject us to your whines.  You went, you saved, you feel warm and fuzzy, now make friends with your DVR, grab a Snickers, and charge your tablet for Facetime. 

Lastly, Kaci Smallpox Hickox,   I think that you belong in an attention brothel. I think that you are using this as soapbox to get famous. Is that helping the people that you so desperately are trying to save? No. It's scaring the crap out of the people that may cross your path as you stealthily prance around New England. Just stop. Better yet, continue! Go save A LOT MORE PEOPLE (somewhere besides the United States).

All Our Love,
Everyone That Doesn't Want an Ebola Crisis In the US

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Street Harassment is Lame

I watched the video of the lady walking down the street being harassed. Google it. It's disgusting and disheartening. Anyway, I immediately thought two things:

1.) wow, she looks angry.

2.) what the hell is the intent of this video?

Okay. Do not get me wrong, I LOVE that this video was made and that it's bringing awareness to something that is incredible annoying and unfortunate for women. I cannot ever remember watching a gaggle of ladies chase after a man walking solo, nor have I ever seen just one woman approach a man she doesn't know on the street or in the mall, etc. to tell them how hot they are looking.  My point? This is probably just something that ladies have to deal with. Errr, but not 30-somethings that drive mini-vans and tote snotty nosed children around...if a man is calling out something to them, it's probably because they've dropped a sippy cup, left without paying for gas, or accidentally (on purpose) forgot a kid somewhere.

Deep thoughts here, but will this video PSA affect the men that are doing this? My bet is no. It will raise awareness for the masses and will shine a light on this to the people that already know better than to intentionally make a woman feel uncomfortable by sharing their douchey thoughts with them unprompted. But, I'm not thinking that some cat-calling a$$hat will watch that video and think "well, sh*t, I guess I don't have anything to do Saturday night, now. Maybe I'll go to church and grocery shop instead of attempt to talk to ladies I don't know on the street." Nope. Those guys aren't being reflective about this. They're wayyy too self-absorbed and arrogant to get anything from this. Let's all just take a second and feel bad for that lady just walked the street with her b*tch face on for 10 hours for nothing. I hope she got paid....per mile. Or per dumba$$ comment.

Effdis holds the stance that the men portrayed in this video are total idiots. They don't deserve respect because they aren't being respectful. I cannot imagine a single woman that would respond positively to this type of treatment, therefore, the only intent they must have is to intimidate. And ladies, if you are interested in a guy that intimidates you or makes you feel uncomfortable please start running---TO THERAPY. And before someone says "oh they're just kidding", guys that do this are not being funny. Harassment is not funny.

Sadly, this message will be preached to the choir. This message will not get to the people that need to hear it and even if it does, it won't affect them.

Share this message... with young woman that will experience it, but especially with young impressionable men that will have the choice between being respectful, or being intimidating.

And, if you have the opportunity FathersMothersCoachesTeachers, INTIMIDATE those young men into being respectful. It's your job, because it takes a village...

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Ebola Scares Kids--And So Does the News

I am sad about the conversation that started at my dinner table tonight, and then continued multiple times throughout the night.

While I was making dinner in the kitchen, the news was on in the living room.  My son, I assume, walked into the living room and listened to a news broadcast that tidied up any lose ends about ebola that the kids on the elementary bus run hadn't already explained

Yes, my 7 year old discussed ebola on the elementary bus run.  I don't know if I should be proud or sad...I mean, whenIwasakid I was copying the neighbor's math homework, jumping in the seats when the bus driver went over a bump, and waiting for my favorite song to come on the radio (because buses were just outfitted with radios and it was pretty sweet if you were lucky enough to hear your jam before you were dropped off). My kid, however, was discussing a world heath crisis. #heisprobablyadopted

First, he asked me about the disease from Africa that people keep dying from, the one that starts with the A.  Ummm. Yeah.  We are still working on vowel sounds. It's "EEEEE-bola. not Ahhh-bola, buddy." 

Then, he asked me how you get "AhEeeebola."  I explained that it's transferred by fluid and germs from people that have the disease and that there are only two people in the whole United States that have been diagnosed with this virus, so I didn't want him to worry. 

And then, this is where it hurt a little:  He asked that "if two people in our country got it because they were the people that were taking care of the one person that traveled to Africa, weren't more people going to get it because they would be taking care of the two new sick people?  And then more people would get sick, and then they would come to NY?" And, as a mom, this is where the water gets muddy.  As much as I appreciate his understanding of germs and how disease spreads, etc., I don't want him to be worried and stroking out every time someone sneezes. (#howiemandel) I also don't want this mature topic taking up brain space, because I'd prefer that space be used for things like his spelling words, errr....vowel sounds, and putting the toilet seat down (or CLEANING IT if he leaves it down) after he pees.  Ebola is not a 7 year old concern.  Contracting ebola should not be an adult concern.  At least not in the United States.

Or should it be?  No. Not yet. Right? 

Well, depending on who you talk to, depending on what political party you belong to, depending on what profession you identify yourself to be in--this is either a huge national concern, or you're an idiot for even thinking twice about it. 

Ebola has become ANOTHER "situation" for us to have differing opinions on. It's become another topic for us to argue about on social media, make memes about, and rant about (this post, included). The political talking point that it has become has taken away from the fact that it's a health crisis that has affected our world, not just our country, yet our country (minimally affected) and the politicians running it have used it as a political springboard. #lame 

Ironically, I haven't seen a single post on social media just asking for people to send a thought or a prayer to the people (GLOBALLY) affected by this virus, or to the healthcare workers that have to put on a brave face knowing that their protocols will be changing and that they'll be on edge this flu season.  

My 7 year old is scared of Ebola, even if he can't say the name of the virus.  He asked if we lived close to Texas (no), and if Myrtle Beach (our favorite vacation spot) was close to Georgia (kinda!) because he heard that is where the second nurse was being sent to.  He asked if Santa would stop here first before going to Africa, Georgia, and Texas because he was concerned that Santa would contaminate our living room. 

But honestly, the only thing that I am concerned about contaminating my living room is sensationalized news broadcasts. Because, as much as #iloveyoubrianwilliams , even a team in hazmat suits couldn't clean those up these days.  

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Carve This.

Let's discuss pumpkin carving templates.

The only thing I want to carve, after looking at them, are my eyes.  And not into jack-o-lantern happy triangles, into death-ridden "x's". 

Who creates these? NO ONE WITH KIDS! "Yes, sweetie, let's carve Darth Vader walking a dog with a sunset in the valley of the mountains in the background. Go grab a jigsaw and 174 toothpicks. Oh! And your sister really wants to carve Elsa's silhouette with her ice castle in the background. I hope my steady hand will be able to accurately depict the intricate details of the 4,852 spindles on her ice castle staircase. Oooh! Grab another pumpkin because we must not forget to carve Sven!"

These super-sculptor douches ruin this tradition for the average. A jack-o-lantern is supposed to be three triangles for eyes and nose and a half moon for a mouth. If you feel tricky,  add a couple of rectangular teeth...ooooh, you fancy! 

Pinterest, you've over-complicated something, again, and I'm not impressed. 

Imagine the relief I felt when my little man chose a Lego face from the front if the Lego blocks. No toothpicks. No Dremel. No pixie dust and prayers needed! And he was able to do it all by himself! He is proud of it and I am proud of him for recognizing what he could tackle independently, because doing his best by himself was more important to him than a pumpkin-replica of a  "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fighting an evil warlord while eating a slice of pizza" that was worthy of  a spot on Mt. Rushmore.  Oh, presidents only on Rushmore? Ok.  Bill Clinton in the Oval Office with an intern?  At least someone was getting something done...Yikes, that's an entirely different blog post...

Oh, and my daughter's pumpkin? Olaf. With three seperate cuts for his Godforsaken-carrot-nose.  Stupid dumb snowman.  Stupid me for having Pinterest open while she was in the room!

The moral of the story is that overachieving pumpkin-carvings designed for the "carving enthusiast" make me wonder what is missing in that "enthusiast's" life that causes them to spend 4 days carving a pumpkin. Get a job. Or a family. Or, better yet, come do my laundry!

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Random Act of Columbus

I find myself being overly thankful during the holidays; for example, around Thanksgiving, I often reflect on all the wonderful things that I have been blessed with in life.  At Christmas, I am lucky to be surrounded by numerous people that see the abundance they have in their lives and often send money, time, or just prayers to those less fortunate. Easter, Labor Day, Memorial Day--they all get some type of celebration that encourages reflection and appreciation. Did I miss your favorite holiday? Feel free to share this link on Facebook and Twitter and bash me...

So, what can we reflect upon for Columbus Day?  "Hey dude.  Thanks for being batsh*tcrazy and going against EVERYTHING that everyone said to explore and "find" the New World. #theonlythingflatisthequeenschest" (FYI: How does it feel to be number 2, Chris?? Leif Ericson went in the 11th century. Where's his holiday?)

I digress. Some of us can be thankful for the fact that they have an extra day off to recuperate after watching football and drinking copious amounts of grain-derived beverages. Not me though...  "My football team is playing so well that I don't need to drink away my sorrows," said no Buffalo Bills fan since 1992.  #gobills #wheresmybeer

I addressed the need for us to be more mindful of Mr. Columbus' holiday in my last post, and suggested the idea of a gift exchange to help us celebrate Columbus Day.  And guess what?  Two LOVELY ladies thought that instead of a gift exchange, we should consider completing a Random Act of KindColumbus.  I think this is fabulous idea, especially because I was the first receiver of the Random Act of Columbus.  #grateful #maryandkristintotallygetme

They bought me the plate!!!! The one that I wanted more than any kitchenware EVER!

Now this is where it gets funny.  My naive 7 year old watched me open the present (which was so beautifully wrapped... thanks, #parkleigh).  He can read, so I QUICK covered up the bottom of the plate so it only read "Here's your snack". I covered the word dumba$$ quicker than a dog covers their poo in the yard.  Anyway, I FREAKED OUT and may have giggled like a high Amanda Bynes with one shoe on in Bloomingdales (google that one).  I even hopped and squealed (think Wilbur from Charlotte's Web). The dog barked, probably thinking I was experiencing a medical emergency.  It was, perhaps, the best gift I have ever received in the 32 years of my life, including the vehicle for my 16th birthday (sorry mom and dad) and my engagement ring (and #hewenttoJared). And because of my reaction, my little man REALLY wanted to celebrate with me. With a smile, he announced:

"Mom! This is the perfect plate to use for Santa!"

Yes, little man. It certainly is.  #daddyhasSantadutiesthisyear #effdis12-24-14

He is pretty funny! Someone get that kid a blog....oh wait.  We did

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Here's Your Snack...

Last month, my cousin's wife posted a picture of a set of a snack plates that she found at a local giftshop:
          (Photo credit to Mary!)
I want these so bad. I don't think I have EVER wanted a kitchenware as much as I want these. In addition, I want a matching chip dish, "chips for you, bi*ch" and an olive tray that says something like "stick this in your mouth and shut it".  I had another line that involved the word "suck" but even I blushed when writing it, so I filtered...

I don't know why I think these are so funny, but every time it look at this picture, I laugh outloud. 

I hope I get these as a Columbus Day gift so that I can use them for Thanksgiving and Christmas! Whatttt, you don't exchange on Columbus Day? My man, Chrstopher sailed the ocean blue in 1492, and IMHO, the LEAST we can do is exchange presents (or at least buy me these plates) to give Chris some respect! 

Speaking of Thanksgiving: Could you imagine if the Natives had these plates when the pilgrims came for dinner? 

Bahahaha! Better yet a plate that said, "eat up, thief!" Yes. That would have been a much more entertaining Thanksgiving story.