Thursday, October 16, 2014

Ebola Scares Kids--And So Does the News

I am sad about the conversation that started at my dinner table tonight, and then continued multiple times throughout the night.

While I was making dinner in the kitchen, the news was on in the living room.  My son, I assume, walked into the living room and listened to a news broadcast that tidied up any lose ends about ebola that the kids on the elementary bus run hadn't already explained

Yes, my 7 year old discussed ebola on the elementary bus run.  I don't know if I should be proud or sad...I mean, whenIwasakid I was copying the neighbor's math homework, jumping in the seats when the bus driver went over a bump, and waiting for my favorite song to come on the radio (because buses were just outfitted with radios and it was pretty sweet if you were lucky enough to hear your jam before you were dropped off). My kid, however, was discussing a world heath crisis. #heisprobablyadopted

First, he asked me about the disease from Africa that people keep dying from, the one that starts with the A.  Ummm. Yeah.  We are still working on vowel sounds. It's "EEEEE-bola. not Ahhh-bola, buddy." 

Then, he asked me how you get "AhEeeebola."  I explained that it's transferred by fluid and germs from people that have the disease and that there are only two people in the whole United States that have been diagnosed with this virus, so I didn't want him to worry. 

And then, this is where it hurt a little:  He asked that "if two people in our country got it because they were the people that were taking care of the one person that traveled to Africa, weren't more people going to get it because they would be taking care of the two new sick people?  And then more people would get sick, and then they would come to NY?" And, as a mom, this is where the water gets muddy.  As much as I appreciate his understanding of germs and how disease spreads, etc., I don't want him to be worried and stroking out every time someone sneezes. (#howiemandel) I also don't want this mature topic taking up brain space, because I'd prefer that space be used for things like his spelling words, errr....vowel sounds, and putting the toilet seat down (or CLEANING IT if he leaves it down) after he pees.  Ebola is not a 7 year old concern.  Contracting ebola should not be an adult concern.  At least not in the United States.

Or should it be?  No. Not yet. Right? 

Well, depending on who you talk to, depending on what political party you belong to, depending on what profession you identify yourself to be in--this is either a huge national concern, or you're an idiot for even thinking twice about it. 

Ebola has become ANOTHER "situation" for us to have differing opinions on. It's become another topic for us to argue about on social media, make memes about, and rant about (this post, included). The political talking point that it has become has taken away from the fact that it's a health crisis that has affected our world, not just our country, yet our country (minimally affected) and the politicians running it have used it as a political springboard. #lame 

Ironically, I haven't seen a single post on social media just asking for people to send a thought or a prayer to the people (GLOBALLY) affected by this virus, or to the healthcare workers that have to put on a brave face knowing that their protocols will be changing and that they'll be on edge this flu season.  

My 7 year old is scared of Ebola, even if he can't say the name of the virus.  He asked if we lived close to Texas (no), and if Myrtle Beach (our favorite vacation spot) was close to Georgia (kinda!) because he heard that is where the second nurse was being sent to.  He asked if Santa would stop here first before going to Africa, Georgia, and Texas because he was concerned that Santa would contaminate our living room. 

But honestly, the only thing that I am concerned about contaminating my living room is sensationalized news broadcasts. Because, as much as #iloveyoubrianwilliams , even a team in hazmat suits couldn't clean those up these days.  

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Carve This.

Let's discuss pumpkin carving templates.

The only thing I want to carve, after looking at them, are my eyes.  And not into jack-o-lantern happy triangles, into death-ridden "x's". 

Who creates these? NO ONE WITH KIDS! "Yes, sweetie, let's carve Darth Vader walking a dog with a sunset in the valley of the mountains in the background. Go grab a jigsaw and 174 toothpicks. Oh! And your sister really wants to carve Elsa's silhouette with her ice castle in the background. I hope my steady hand will be able to accurately depict the intricate details of the 4,852 spindles on her ice castle staircase. Oooh! Grab another pumpkin because we must not forget to carve Sven!"

These super-sculptor douches ruin this tradition for the average. A jack-o-lantern is supposed to be three triangles for eyes and nose and a half moon for a mouth. If you feel tricky,  add a couple of rectangular teeth...ooooh, you fancy! 

Pinterest, you've over-complicated something, again, and I'm not impressed. 

Imagine the relief I felt when my little man chose a Lego face from the front if the Lego blocks. No toothpicks. No Dremel. No pixie dust and prayers needed! And he was able to do it all by himself! He is proud of it and I am proud of him for recognizing what he could tackle independently, because doing his best by himself was more important to him than a pumpkin-replica of a  "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fighting an evil warlord while eating a slice of pizza" that was worthy of  a spot on Mt. Rushmore.  Oh, presidents only on Rushmore? Ok.  Bill Clinton in the Oval Office with an intern?  At least someone was getting something done...Yikes, that's an entirely different blog post...

Oh, and my daughter's pumpkin? Olaf. With three seperate cuts for his Godforsaken-carrot-nose.  Stupid dumb snowman.  Stupid me for having Pinterest open while she was in the room!

The moral of the story is that overachieving pumpkin-carvings designed for the "carving enthusiast" make me wonder what is missing in that "enthusiast's" life that causes them to spend 4 days carving a pumpkin. Get a job. Or a family. Or, better yet, come do my laundry!

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Random Act of Columbus

I find myself being overly thankful during the holidays; for example, around Thanksgiving, I often reflect on all the wonderful things that I have been blessed with in life.  At Christmas, I am lucky to be surrounded by numerous people that see the abundance they have in their lives and often send money, time, or just prayers to those less fortunate. Easter, Labor Day, Memorial Day--they all get some type of celebration that encourages reflection and appreciation. Did I miss your favorite holiday? Feel free to share this link on Facebook and Twitter and bash me...

So, what can we reflect upon for Columbus Day?  "Hey dude.  Thanks for being batsh*tcrazy and going against EVERYTHING that everyone said to explore and "find" the New World. #theonlythingflatisthequeenschest" (FYI: How does it feel to be number 2, Chris?? Leif Ericson went in the 11th century. Where's his holiday?)

I digress. Some of us can be thankful for the fact that they have an extra day off to recuperate after watching football and drinking copious amounts of grain-derived beverages. Not me though...  "My football team is playing so well that I don't need to drink away my sorrows," said no Buffalo Bills fan since 1992.  #gobills #wheresmybeer

I addressed the need for us to be more mindful of Mr. Columbus' holiday in my last post, and suggested the idea of a gift exchange to help us celebrate Columbus Day.  And guess what?  Two LOVELY ladies thought that instead of a gift exchange, we should consider completing a Random Act of KindColumbus.  I think this is fabulous idea, especially because I was the first receiver of the Random Act of Columbus.  #grateful #maryandkristintotallygetme


They bought me the plate!!!! The one that I wanted more than any kitchenware EVER!

Now this is where it gets funny.  My naive 7 year old watched me open the present (which was so beautifully wrapped... thanks, #parkleigh).  He can read, so I QUICK covered up the bottom of the plate so it only read "Here's your snack". I covered the word dumba$$ quicker than a dog covers their poo in the yard.  Anyway, I FREAKED OUT and may have giggled like a high Amanda Bynes with one shoe on in Bloomingdales (google that one).  I even hopped and squealed (think Wilbur from Charlotte's Web). The dog barked, probably thinking I was experiencing a medical emergency.  It was, perhaps, the best gift I have ever received in the 32 years of my life, including the vehicle for my 16th birthday (sorry mom and dad) and my engagement ring (and #hewenttoJared). And because of my reaction, my little man REALLY wanted to celebrate with me. With a smile, he announced:

"Mom! This is the perfect plate to use for Santa!"

Yes, little man. It certainly is.  #daddyhasSantadutiesthisyear #effdis12-24-14

He is pretty funny! Someone get that kid a blog....oh wait.  We did

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Here's Your Snack...

Last month, my cousin's wife posted a picture of a set of a snack plates that she found at a local giftshop:
          (Photo credit to Mary!)
I want these so bad. I don't think I have EVER wanted a kitchenware as much as I want these. In addition, I want a matching chip dish, "chips for you, bi*ch" and an olive tray that says something like "stick this in your mouth and shut it".  I had another line that involved the word "suck" but even I blushed when writing it, so I filtered...

I don't know why I think these are so funny, but every time it look at this picture, I laugh outloud. 

I hope I get these as a Columbus Day gift so that I can use them for Thanksgiving and Christmas! Whatttt, you don't exchange on Columbus Day? My man, Chrstopher sailed the ocean blue in 1492, and IMHO, the LEAST we can do is exchange presents (or at least buy me these plates) to give Chris some respect! 

Speaking of Thanksgiving: Could you imagine if the Natives had these plates when the pilgrims came for dinner? 

Bahahaha! Better yet a plate that said, "eat up, thief!" Yes. That would have been a much more entertaining Thanksgiving story. 

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Questions For the Lady With Three Boobs

Did you all see or hear about the lady (Jasmine Tridevil) that paid 20k to get a third boob surgically attached in between her other breasts? If you didn't, go to any radio-station website or here and you'll find the article. Better yet, for fun, do an images search on Google.  Just not before dinner.... 

She claims that she didn't want to date anymore, which was why she had the third boob attached. That's like saying "I'd like to eat popcorn, so I think I'll go ride a camel down the freeway, backwards" i.e. unrelated.  I think her point is that she surgically altered herself to become undesirable.  Someone needs to have the whole "Hey, boobs,  you weren't that good looking in the first place.  But way to one-up God" talk. #itsyourmoralityTridevil

Anyway, I have some questions I'd like to ask her:

1.) If you do, indeed, plan to revisit the idea of relationships, I'd like to discuss motor-boating. You've either ruined it, or you will require two motors.  What's your plan?  

2.) Have you ever considered removing the two outside boobs and just becoming Mike from Monster's Inc?  It would make a fabulous Halloween costume. Honestly, you face looks more like Sully. Nevermind.

3.) Speaking of costumes, I really like to make a complete a$$ out of myself at Halloween and was considering being you. What's your suggestion on finding a bra top?  I mean, I have a hard time finding good bras for what I naturally have to offer, so I'm stumped about where to get a QUALITY three-boobed-halter-top. ugh... #triboobproblems 

4.) Let's discuss your childhood.  Were you underfed as an infant?  Let me guess, you were formula fed, weren't you? You should really pitch your reality show to TLC instead of MTV because TLC may make you the poster child for breast feeding your babies so they don't become obsessed with boobs when they are 21.  Better yet, I can totally see you being picked up as the new Breast is Better campaign. I mean you have THREE!  1/3 more to offer!

5.)Where do you see yourself in 15 years? If I had to look into my crystal boob ball, I'd say rehab, Dr. Phil, rehab, The Enquirer, and then on a dusty cover of an autobiography that should have stayed a free ebook on Amazon.  In that order.  

I appreciate your publicity stunt, Triboobs.  I mean Tridevil. You gave me a fabulous halloween costume idea.  In addition, you've given me the idea that if I had extra money, I could contact your "doctor", who could surgically attach another hand that I could perhaps slap you with for being such an idiot.  #sorrynotsorry

Monday, September 22, 2014

You Are Getting Sleepy! Yes, You ARE! Because I Said SO!

All I want to do is stay up 1 hour later than my kids. ONE HOUR.

It's like #lameness sets in, immediately following their slumber, and I cannot keep my eyes open.

Even if it's 5:45pm...

What, you've never turned the clocks ahead and pretended that it was later so you could sneak a couple of hours (half a day) of peace in? Yeah, me either...

Sweet dreams, kiddies! I'll be following you to bed as soon as Brian Williams and the National news is over....pay no attention to that sun.  It's a figment of your imagination.  (Side note: I must get room darkening shades). Can I interest you in some chamomile tea? Perhaps some warm milk? How about 40 laps around the yard and then a calming bath while I serenade you with classical music and slather your sleepy bodies with lavender lotion?

Zzzzzzz! Those are definitely my "zzzzz's" and not theirs. They are wide awake.  #fail.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

HAPPY! sad. HANGRY! sweet!: The Many Moods of a Preschooler


The last four hours have been very entertaining.  Not "Comedy Central" entertaining, so much as "The Learning Channel" or "The Slightly-Psychotic Preschooler Causes Parents To Drink Network" entertaining...

The Car Ride From School (3:30pm):
After being asked how her day was, Preschooler gives pouty-face and explains that no one got in trouble today. I asked why she was sad about that, because I would think that meant that she had a great day. She sighed and refused to talk any more about it, brushing her hand in the "leave me alone" gesture while staring sadly out the window. This leads me to believe that she was either actually in time-out today, or she will ultimately become a rubber-necking driver with a police scanner in her living room.  

The Car Ride To Dance Class (4:00pm):
During the 2nd attempt at the "how was your day today", Preschooler explains that she was disappointed that she didn't get a chance to read her princess book at school today. She continues that she was planning on reading it to her new best friend, Leah(?), but they only had time for a Scooby-snack and playtime. She then told a quite animated story about all of us (her parents and her brother) becoming large dogs and then magically turning into puppies, and that I would be an angry puppy because I wouldn't be able to go swimming. Rightttt, swimming is VERY important to me. At this point, Preschool started a story about her "WH*RES" and how they just really needed to be able to live in the house with the puppies. After I stopped laughing, I realized she was talking about her horses (realization occurred when she started talking about their tails...I mean, I don't know any good wh*res that have tails. If so, they should probably find a salon or a razor, right quick. I'm thinking about you, #dollarshaveclub)

The Car Ride Home From Dance (5:00pm):
Preschooler is "HANGRY"(so hungry she is angry). She demands that she has a snack when we get home, INSTEAD of dinner, and tells me that she would like to carve my face like a pumpkin (we were driving past a pumpkin patch). I'm praying that her anger and her thoughts to "carve my face like a pumpkin" are not connected, and I will be making sure that the silverware drawer still has the child lock on it. I've got acne scars to deal with, and I certainly don't think my skin care routine will handle a jack-o-lantern carving performed with a steak knife with the same grace that it handles a set of crows feet and smile lines.  

Dinner time, Round 1 (5:45pm):
Preschooler strips down, and laughs about being naked. I'm like "hey girl, that's my role. You've got some time before you laugh at yourself naked." Preschooler's dad attempts to put her in jammies, which causes an absolute M.E.L.T.D.O.W.N.. Doors are slammed. Toys are thrown. Preschooler is told that she is welcome at the dinner table when she is in her pajamas and her toys are put away.

Preschooler comes out of her room in a different pair of clothes. She is immediately sent back to get the pajamas back on.

Preschooler slams the door, again. Preschooler comes out with her sweetest voice (still in clothes, not jammies) and asks what is for dinner. Out of exasperation, she is OFFERED two choices, declines the both, slaps her dad across the arm for SUGGESTING those two choices (for the record, they are usually not given a choice unless our meal is too spicy or, letsbeserious, too good to offer them #leftoversforlunch) and is sent back to her room. The door slams. Both of preschooler's parents pick their jaws up off the dining room floor and ask each other if she really just hit one of them. They develop an action plan that evolves from using rope, trees, and duct tape to bins of toys being removed from her room. Preschooler's dad goes in to "talk" and leaves room without any toys.  #sucker

Dinner time, Round 2 (6:15pm): Preschooler comes out of room with sweet voice and is provided a plate of ham rolls, carrots, and blueberries. She says "I'm so happy I have this dinner." Life is good. Alleluia.

Post Dinner (6:30pm): Preschooler, accidentally, WHACKS her head on kitchen counter TWICE. She says "I just want my wh*res." (horses). Preschooler's mom (me!) pees a little while trying not to laugh at wincing preschooler that is in pain. #motheroftheyear 

A beautiful picture is drawn with crayons on computer paper (we're super fancy here), depicting the blue shirt and orange pants that preschooler changed into from jammies. She proclaims this outfit is her favorite because her wh*res (horses) like it. Her blue crayon hair in the picture looks pretty close to how her hair looks when she wakes up. Mommy Side Note: we need leave-in conditioner.

Preschooler tells her mom (me!) that she loves me but she really wanted to carve pumpkin. I get a little chill, and resolve to lock the bedroom door tonight. #prayforus #actuallyjustprayforme

Last quote of the night (7:35pm): "I've got a lot of wh*res but I only put my best ones in the castle." #futurebrothelowner #justcallhermadam