HAPPY! sad. HANGRY! sweet!: The Many Moods of a Preschooler

The last four hours have been very entertaining.  Not "Comedy Central" entertaining, so much as "The Learning Channel" or "The Slightly-Psychotic Preschooler Causes Parents To Drink Network" entertaining...

The Car Ride From School (3:30pm):

After being asked how her day was, Preschooler gives pouty-face and explains that no one got in trouble today. I asked why she was sad about that, because I would think that meant that she had a great day. She sighed and refused to talk any more about it, brushing her hand in the "leave me alone" gesture while staring sadly out the window. This leads me to believe that she was either actually in time-out today, or she will ultimately become a rubber-necking driver with a police scanner in her living room.  

The Car Ride To Dance Class (4:00pm):

During the 2nd attempt at the "how was your day today", Preschooler explains that she was disappointed that she didn't get a chance to read her princess book at school today. She continues that she was planning on reading it to her new best friend, Leah(?), but they only had time for a Scooby-snack and playtime. She then told a quite animated story about all of us (her parents and her brother) becoming large dogs and then magically turning into puppies, and that I would be an angry puppy because I wouldn't be able to go swimming. Rightttt, swimming is VERY important to me. At this point, Preschool started a story about her "WH*RES" and how they just really needed to be able to live in the house with the puppies. After I stopped laughing, I realized she was talking about her horses (realization occurred when she started talking about their tails...I mean, I don't know any good wh*res that have tails. If so, they should probably find a salon or a razor, right quick. I'm thinking about you, #dollarshaveclub)

The Car Ride Home From Dance (5:00pm):

Preschooler is "HANGRY"(so hungry she is angry). She demands that she has a snack when we get home, INSTEAD of dinner, and tells me that she would like to carve my face like a pumpkin (we were driving past a pumpkin patch). I'm praying that her anger and her thoughts to "carve my face like a pumpkin" are not connected, and I will be making sure that the silverware drawer still has the child lock on it. I've got acne scars to deal with, and I certainly don't think my skin care routine will handle a jack-o-lantern carving performed with a steak knife with the same grace that it handles a set of crows feet and smile lines.  

Dinner time, Round 1 (5:45pm):

Preschooler strips down, and laughs about being naked. I'm like "hey girl, that's my role. You've got some time before you laugh at yourself naked." Preschooler's dad attempts to put her in jammies, which causes an absolute M.E.L.T.D.O.W.N.. Doors are slammed. Toys are thrown. Preschooler is told that she is welcome at the dinner table when she is in her pajamas and her toys are put away.

Preschooler comes out of her room in a different pair of clothes. She is immediately sent back to get the pajamas back on.

Preschooler slams the door, again. Preschooler comes out with her sweetest voice (still in clothes, not jammies) and asks what is for dinner. Out of exasperation, she is OFFERED two choices, declines the both, slaps her dad across the arm for SUGGESTING those two choices (for the record, they are usually not given a choice unless our meal is too spicy or, letsbeserious, too good to offer them #leftoversforlunch) and is sent back to her room. The door slams. Both of preschooler's parents pick their jaws up off the dining room floor and ask each other if she really just hit one of them. They develop an action plan that evolves from using rope, trees, and duct tape to bins of toys being removed from her room. Preschooler's dad goes in to "talk" and leaves room without any toys.  #sucker

Dinner time, Round 2 (6:15pm): Preschooler comes out of room with sweet voice and is provided a plate of ham rolls, carrots, and blueberries. She says "I'm so happy I have this dinner." Life is good. Alleluia.

Post Dinner (6:30pm): Preschooler, accidentally, WHACKS her head on kitchen counter TWICE. She says "I just want my wh*res." (horses). Preschooler's mom (me!) pees a little while trying not to laugh at wincing preschooler that is in pain. #motheroftheyear 

A beautiful picture is drawn with crayons on computer paper (we're super fancy here), depicting the blue shirt and orange pants that preschooler changed into from jammies. She proclaims this outfit is her favorite because her wh*res (horses) like it. Her blue crayon hair in the picture looks pretty close to how her hair looks when she wakes up. Mommy Side Note: we need leave-in conditioner.

Preschooler tells her mom (me!) that she loves me but she really wanted to carve pumpkin. I get a little chill, and resolve to lock the bedroom door tonight. #prayforus #actuallyjustprayforme

Last quote of the night (7:35pm): "I've got a lot of wh*res but I only put my best ones in the castle." #futurebrothelowner #justcallhermadam