Corona Shopping Problems

During this pandemic with Coronavirus, people have had some real problems. I am, thankfully, not one of those people with real problems, but I've felt a bit unsettled as our lives have been turned upside down in semi-isolation. To soothe that, well, I've done a bit of shoppy-shop.  Just a tiny bit. Ok, that's a damn lie. I've shopped so much in the last eight weeks, I don't even know what's coming, who's it for, and when I ordered it.  I don't want to perjure myself, but I've purchased an epic load of stuff that I didn't really need, BUT I JUST HAD TO HAVE.  I think I spent over 10 mindless hours, one day, looking up THE PERFECT outdoor pillow cushions.  I admit, it's dumb--but also numbing because when I was shopping, I wasn't itching. I do kind of blame Marshall's and TJ Maxx for this for being closed up.  That's usually where the things that needed me would find me.  Now, I just happen to stumble across nonsense online, and have to have it.

However,

this post isn't really about the crap I've bought.  I'd much rather let my husband discover most of our new treasures on his own without reading about them first (ohhhh heyyyyy new rugs for the porch, wooden spoons, A FOOD PROCESSOR, those heels were really only $5, and I swear that dress has been in my closet for awhile.  Yes, I know I rarely wear dresses. Yes, I know it's sleeveless and I always wear sleeves..... Look, there's a new "that guy makes knifes in real fire with real metal" show on...dontcha want to watch it? *slides out of room, stealthily*)

This is about what I *cannot* find in my *materialistic* shopping endeavors:

--I cannot find a pair of leggings or pants that is not high waisted. 
For the love of all that is holy, CAN WE STEP AWAY FROM MOM JEANS-MOM LEGGINGS-PANTS-TO-BOOBS? That is a look I cannot get behind. Yes, the extra height of the pants does a great job of holding in momloaf.  Yes. You can get compression that smoooshes your belly fat up to hold your tots or smooooosh your potatopooch around to make your flat-ass look full.  Yes. Both of those things are great. I guess....

however...

One rogue stitch can have you looking like your lady pieces are part of a camel's foot on a Wednesday.  Also, I'm sorry to say, if you push any of your muffinloaf up, you're getting backfat and you might not even have backfat.  Jeeeeeeeeez, you're just teaching your back by saying "hey back, meet upper hips. You two should spoon. Forever." And in my opinion, that's just insane. There is no need for premature backfatting. That shiz comes on it's own timeline and you don't want it there early.

--I cannot find a cute sweatshirt that is a normal length and size. Who's idea was it to crop sweatshirts and make them 52 times too big in the shoulders?? I know--the same person that thinks that YOU SHOULD wear pants that have waists that compete with your bra band. Some day, like today, we are going to say things like "when I was a kid, sweatshirts were something that we wore when we wanted to cover our midriff with something warm and cozy." and "Sweatshirts used to be a great garment to wear with regular rise jeans on a casual day, yet we didn't look homeless, fat, and homeless. Did I mention homeless?!" Yes. those were the days.

--I cannot find a swimsuit for my 10 year old daughter that will have enough fabric across her butt to keep her from needing to excavate unwanted fabric from nether crevice!  #1--She's 10. #2 Crack digging isn't a good look on anyone. Also, again, the high waisted cheeky cuts are killing me here--- Let's cover the stomach with AS MUCH FABRIC AS POSSIBLE, but let the junk in the trunk roam free---shoot,  these suits just leave the trunk OPEN and let all the groceries fly out.  I'm so confused. Also, Karens, this post isn't a bit about body positivity. She can wear whatever the hell she wants to wear that is comfortable for her.  But I can't imagine a 10 year old saying "oooh. I'd really love this suit if only more of it was in my asscanyon"

and lastly...
--I cannot find Anise Seed Extract, Clorox Wipes, more than single ply toilet paper, and rubbing alcohol.
Can't an isolated Italian make pizzelles, sanitize her door knobs, clean herself up without toilet paper shreds, and dry out her poison ivy? Ugh. The supply chain on that extract better right itself soon.... This pizzelle iron is getting dusty!