Corona Shopping Problems

During this pandemic with Coronavirus, people have had some real problems. I am, thankfully, not one of those people with real problems, but I've felt a bit unsettled as our lives have been turned upside down in semi-isolation. To soothe that, well, I've done a bit of shoppy-shop.  Just a tiny bit. Ok, that's a damn lie. I've shopped so much in the last eight weeks, I don't even know what's coming, who's it for, and when I ordered it.  I don't want to perjure myself, but I've purchased an epic load of stuff that I didn't really need, BUT I JUST HAD TO HAVE.  I think I spent over 10 mindless hours, one day, looking up THE PERFECT outdoor pillow cushions.  I admit, it's dumb--but also numbing because when I was shopping, I wasn't itching. I do kind of blame Marshall's and TJ Maxx for this for being closed up.  That's usually where the things that needed me would find me.  Now, I just happen to stumble across nonsense online, and have to have it.

However,

this post isn't really about the crap I've bought.  I'd much rather let my husband discover most of our new treasures on his own without reading about them first (ohhhh heyyyyy new rugs for the porch, wooden spoons, A FOOD PROCESSOR, those heels were really only $5, and I swear that dress has been in my closet for awhile.  Yes, I know I rarely wear dresses. Yes, I know it's sleeveless and I always wear sleeves..... Look, there's a new "that guy makes knifes in real fire with real metal" show on...dontcha want to watch it? *slides out of room, stealthily*)

This is about what I *cannot* find in my *materialistic* shopping endeavors:

--I cannot find a pair of leggings or pants that is not high waisted. 
For the love of all that is holy, CAN WE STEP AWAY FROM MOM JEANS-MOM LEGGINGS-PANTS-TO-BOOBS? That is a look I cannot get behind. Yes, the extra height of the pants does a great job of holding in momloaf.  Yes. You can get compression that smoooshes your belly fat up to hold your tots or smooooosh your potatopooch around to make your flat-ass look full.  Yes. Both of those things are great. I guess....

however...

One rogue stitch can have you looking like your lady pieces are part of a camel's foot on a Wednesday.  Also, I'm sorry to say, if you push any of your muffinloaf up, you're getting backfat and you might not even have backfat.  Jeeeeeeeeez, you're just teaching your back by saying "hey back, meet upper hips. You two should spoon. Forever." And in my opinion, that's just insane. There is no need for premature backfatting. That shiz comes on it's own timeline and you don't want it there early.

--I cannot find a cute sweatshirt that is a normal length and size. Who's idea was it to crop sweatshirts and make them 52 times too big in the shoulders?? I know--the same person that thinks that YOU SHOULD wear pants that have waists that compete with your bra band. Some day, like today, we are going to say things like "when I was a kid, sweatshirts were something that we wore when we wanted to cover our midriff with something warm and cozy." and "Sweatshirts used to be a great garment to wear with regular rise jeans on a casual day, yet we didn't look homeless, fat, and homeless. Did I mention homeless?!" Yes. those were the days.

--I cannot find a swimsuit for my 10 year old daughter that will have enough fabric across her butt to keep her from needing to excavate unwanted fabric from nether crevice!  #1--She's 10. #2 Crack digging isn't a good look on anyone. Also, again, the high waisted cheeky cuts are killing me here--- Let's cover the stomach with AS MUCH FABRIC AS POSSIBLE, but let the junk in the trunk roam free---shoot,  these suits just leave the trunk OPEN and let all the groceries fly out.  I'm so confused. Also, Karens, this post isn't a bit about body positivity. She can wear whatever the hell she wants to wear that is comfortable for her.  But I can't imagine a 10 year old saying "oooh. I'd really love this suit if only more of it was in my asscanyon"

and lastly...
--I cannot find Anise Seed Extract, Clorox Wipes, more than single ply toilet paper, and rubbing alcohol.
Can't an isolated Italian make pizzelles, sanitize her door knobs, clean herself up without toilet paper shreds, and dry out her poison ivy? Ugh. The supply chain on that extract better right itself soon.... This pizzelle iron is getting dusty!

Here's Your Snack...

Last month, my cousin's wife posted a picture of a set of a snack plates that she found at a local giftshop:

          (Photo credit to Mary!)

I want these so bad. I don't think I have EVER wanted a kitchenware as much as I want these. In addition, I want a matching chip dish, "chips for you, bi*ch" and an olive tray that says something like "stick this in your mouth and shut it".  I had another line that involved the word "suck" but even I blushed when writing it, so I filtered...

I don't know why I think these are so funny, but every time it look at this picture, I laugh outloud. 

I hope I get these as a Columbus Day gift so that I can use them for Thanksgiving and Christmas! Whatttt, you don't exchange on Columbus Day? My man, Chrstopher sailed the ocean blue in 1492, and IMHO, the LEAST we can do is exchange presents (or at least buy me these plates) to give Chris some respect! 

Speaking of Thanksgiving: Could you imagine if the Natives had these plates when the pilgrims came for dinner? 

Bahahaha! Better yet a plate that said, "eat up, thief!" Yes. That would have been a much more entertaining Thanksgiving story. 

Skinny Thoughts

Exercise means sweat and sweating when it is cold out is just wrong.  Because it's cold out.  And you're sweating. BRRRRR.

See, this is why I can't exercise today. Because it's cold out. And tomorrow, it'll be Thursday.  I don't like to exercise on Thursday because I might be sore for the weekend.  That's no fun...

Is cooking and cleaning up the kitchen exercise?  OOh! Cleaning on My Fitness Pal is exercise.  I'm 103 calories over my calorie target for the day.  How many minutes of cleaning eats 103 calories...24 minutes, WELL LOOK AT THAT! I JUST CLEANED MY KITCHEN FOR 24 MINUTES.  boom.  Under calorie goal.  

I wish it was warmer in here.  I should bake cookies. The house will smell nice and it'll warm up the place.  I like cookie dough.  How many calories are in cookie dough? Crap. I'm going to be cleaning my kitchen for a lonnnnng time.  Stupid cookies.

My Cup Runneth Over...

I needed a mid day pick me up, and that Blue Diamond Almond lady was no where to be found. Do nuts really serve this purpose? As Seuss says, Oh the Places (I could) Go with that question...

Anyways, I DROVE thru my local coffee establishment, to get a cup of crack coffee after work today.  I was planning on siphoning this cup of joy into my belly in between getting out of work and picking up my son at school. Just to clarify I have to GO INTO the school to get him....

Now that you get the picture, I shall continue. I pull into the drive thru, order my fix, pull up and the worker is having a conversation with his co-worker calling someone an idiot. I thought of all the people I knew that fit into that category. He is spilling my coffee all over the drive thru window, and his arm. I, immediately shake my head and start to say "Thanks, but no thanks, keep that overflowing geiser you have there, because I'd prefer not to smell like a hipster that works at Starbucks" and he says "Don't worry, I spilled enough in here that it won't leak."

Dude. I know I look young, and perhaps even dumb, but I know that me taking that cup of coffee is going to lead to an absolute disaster inside this mini-van that looks like it's in the running for a taping of Hoarders.  

He forced that cup of coffee on me with such vigor, I was thinking he was auditioning for the role of Christian in 50 Shades of Gray. I had no option, BUT, to take that coffee. He was not taking NO for an answer. The drive thru window closed, and I was left holding a cup of coffee that I knew was going to cause me way more duress than the temporary caffeine high was worth.   

Now, may God bless the designers of my Toyota mini-van.  In their infinite wisdom, they provided eight cup holders that are accessible for the driver.  I picked my least favorite cup holder, knowing that it was going to get saturated with my mid-afternoon poison and I drove to the school where I could park and develop my game plan for attacking this overflowing cup. When I got to the school and parked, I had already leaked so much coffee out of that cup, I was convinced there was less than 3/4 of it left.  I pulled the lid off, and it was like the levies in Louisiana burst (again, too soon? my apologies).  COFFEE. EVERYWHERE. 

I walked into that school covered with coffee. I sat in that lobby waiting for my son, absolutely doused with a large portion of the EXTRA large coffee that some young man decided to JAM into a medium sized cup, and then force that coffee on me while discussing the intellectual inabilities of another.  

Something that you may not know about me is that I am a Godly woman. I MADE EASTER GARLAND, for Christ's sake. LITERALLY.  So today, I couldn't help but think of that part of the bible (Psalm 23:5) that talks about my cup overflow-eth-ing. Thank you Psalm 23. It sure did. All over the console of my car, my driver's seat, my pants, coats, and chin.