Spanx: Muffin Top Eraser and Rib Cage Breaker

In case you haven't gotten the gist, I like to rant about stuff. Today, my spout is in regards to how Spanx ruined my day today. Spanx, YOU SUCK.

I can't even type that without cringing, because it's a terrible, sinful lie that I will burn in the pits of muffin top hell for. Sarah Blakely, CEO of Spanx, you are my hero and your products are an absolute necessity for anyone that likes to consume ANYTHING besides tuna fish and Red Bull (ahem, Demi and MacCauley). However,  today, my undergarments may or may not have ruined my life, or at the very least, my day.

Reason 1: My Spanx selection of the day, the "power panty", made me look wayyy hotter than I should have. I've eaten more garbage this week than a mouse in a bodega and the circumference of my hips and ass would prove it.  However, my "power panties" turned 3 inches of muffin top/ass flab into a set of *insert male anatomy* that allowed me to say things and do things at my job that a person in my position should not say or do.  Those panties really have some power.  I, however, might not have a job after a couple of people check their email.  Thus, the Spanx absolutely gave me a false sense of confidence.  Oh dear. I'll be wearing those bitches right into the unemployment office...

Reason #2: Those panties, when combined with a pair of non-Spanx control top tights caused some pretty serious (ok, minor) bruising around my waist.  This made me irritable.  This made me chafe.  This made me bitchy, and bitchy doesn't really mix well with confident, unless you're Chelsea Handler.  In her case, it mixes beautifully.  My bitchiness might result in my children needing therapy.  And considering I'm going to be unemployed, I'm hoping Sarah Blakely pays the bill....

Tomorrow, I'm going commando.  Again...... hopefully this time my Lo/Ovral-28 pills work or else I'll have more children, develop more muffin top, need bigger Spanx, and this problem will repeat itself...

pimples and acne suck, especially when you're almost as old as Whitney Houston......

What, too soon with the Whitney Houston title?  That girl had some acne, too... don't go denying it just because she's no longer with us....godresthersoul.  Don't worry Whitney, people in heaven don't need Proactiv.

Seriously, who played the practical joke on me?  I thought the best only part of being old-ish is that you get rid of your pubescent skin.  Adios acne.  Be poof gone.  Go find a 14 year old to eff with.  At no point, AT NO POINT, should anyone, EVER, have acne if they are rocking a gray streak through their hair like a boss.  I am currently wearing some serious acne, with a side of grey through my hair that makes Paula Deen look like she just went to her colorist.  You know, the colorist that dyed her hair PRIOR to her colorist that spray paints her hair sparkly silver.  And if my delicious acne and grey hair doesn't make you want me to post some pictures of myself on here, I'm not sure what does.

I am hot, HOTT, haute...